BEWARE THE BISCUIT

A hilarious article from The Times about Biscuits, and other deadly British institutions.

An estimated 25 million adults have been injured while eating during a tea or coffee break, with at least 500 landing themselves in hospital. Putting this into perspective, this makes having a biccie a more perilous activity than pot-holing, drag-racing, waterfall-punching, or auto-asphyxiation in a hotel room at 4am, off your face on minibar Bacardi Breezers.

For those who, now querulous, wish to keep their biscuit-risk to a minimum, it is useful to note that the Custard Cream is apparently the most dangerous biscuit, with a rigorously scientific-looking Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation rating of 5.63. It’s practically a sandwich made of guns. The Jaffa Cake, meanwhile — you may be soothed to note — scores, in comparison, a mere 1.16; making it the safest biscuit to offer to a child, or a congenital idiot.

For the love of God, man, just put down the biscuit. You can thank me later.