FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE (Embargoed until 2089)
August 6, 2009
Underemployed Smartass Blogger Opts Out of GOP Senate Race
Independent, Maverick Hope’n’Changer Has Better Things To Do
(His Parents' Basement)—Pajama-clad chickenshit People’s Press Collective blogger and itinerant Independence Institute groupie El Presidente has, after careful consideration and extensive consultation, decided NOT to challenge Senator Who? in the 2010 election. He now joins an elite group of only three other individuals who have not tossed their hat into the GOP primary.
“After conducting a comprehensive state-wide listening campaign that consisted of a blue-ribbon panel comprised by his four Facebook fans and a guy named Larry, and a feeling that any multi-cellular organism could defeat an appointed Senator whose speech patterns are less interesting than 1980s animatronics at Disneyland, I have decided to take the decisive and bold path and not enter the race,” declared El Presidente. “Besides, what’s the point of splitting the primary vote 1,013,476 ways?”
Though he believed himself to be a formidable candidate despite having staged a failed 5th grade class coup, he had left the possibility of running for a democratically-elected state-wide office open until today. However, citing extensive familial responsibilities as a reclusive bachelor and noted misanthrope, El Presidente also concluded that he could not stomach the grueling campaign schedule required to build name brand recognition, nor the number of handshakes that were in store for him.
“Campaign events before noon? Yeah, riiiiiiight. Besides, I’d need a whole lot of Purell, and that is dangerous for our climate in this new energy economy,” remarked El Presidente.
Had he launched a formal Senate bid, El Presidente planned an extensive, scorched-earth campaign chock-full of disastrous launch stumblings, calculated missteps, unidentified geography in his ads, inexplicable verbal gaffes, annoying/antiquated/untimely/irrelevant press releases (like this one), a general lack of focus in his messaging, and a complete disregard for anything even remotely resembling a Republican principle.
“Socialism for everyone sounds so socialist itself, so I planned to burden the economy with even more government spending so that I could avoid any real, serious conversation and get down to the business of the people—getting myself reelected, and then surreptitiously switching parties. I believe in the 80-20 principle, 80% for me, 20% for all of you unwashed, gun-toting, God-fearing troglodytes who whine about ‘high taxes’ and ‘liberty.’ It’s not all about you or your liberty, it’s about me, your hypocritical elected official. You people make me sick,” concluded El Presidente.**
During the trial period, he spoke to several egregiously overpaid political hacks, faux-Internet gurus, and old-guard roadblocks who encouraged him to run.
“The superficiality of these GOP insiders is amazing, and I looked forward to their non-sensical advice and thoroughly deplorable backstabbing,” noted El Presidente. In addition, had he actually decided to have it bothways and mount a run before he ultimately decided against it, El Presidente articulated the need for a clear New Media strategy involving Web 2.0 tools that he hopes other GOP candidates will latch on to in their own meretricious efforts.
“The Democrats have the Gang of Four, the Colorado Model, and almost every elected position in the state. But we have Facebook and Twitter and the severely underfunded and generally disregarded conservative blogosphere on our side. Not that I’ve ever visited those or any other websites on that new-fangled “intarwebz” thingy,” argued El Presidente. “My college-aged anarcho-syndicalist commune, which doubled as my campaign war room, told me that multiple sockpuppets and an outrageously obvious and horrendously misspelled astroturfing campaign launched from my own IP using my personal email address would ensure me a grassroots following so far-reaching, that literally billions would join the cause. I crap you negative. After all, I know people, and am a mighty oak.” El Presidente’s entire cadre of earnest but unwitting supporters has subsequently been liquidated, following a judiciously unjust, farcical show trial.
In preparation for what could ultimately prove to be Colorado’s most expensive Senate race since the last most expensive Senate race and assuredly not as expensive as the next one, El Presidente’s fundraising efforts in the exploratory phase had yielded a staggering $0.57 cents, most of which came from a single donation from his parent’s couch.
“No candidate can seek funding from just one source. A great candidate needs resources from a large pool of donors of all political stripes, and I was able to bring both sides of the sofa together, by drawing support from both the right AND the left cushions,” boasted El Presidente. The response was phenomenal the past 45 quarters, and we even saw a generous amount of foreign backing in the form of Confederate war bonds and Zimbabwean currency. “Never too early to get in the race, nor build up a campaign war chest,” asserted El Presidente.
El Presidente’s nascent campaign drew endorsements from a wide variety of public groups, including “People with ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ Bumper Stickers On Their Cars” or PWDTOMBSOTC and the “Society for the Total Usurpation of Public Involvement in Democracy” also known as STUPID. “The STUPID socialists were some of my biggest and earliest supporters, but unfortunately, since they don’t believe in the free market, capitalism, or personal property, none of the STUPID bastards could give me any money,” lamented El Presidente.
While El Presidente has not endorsed any specific candidate in the GOP primary, he has identified a few potential frontrunners and personal favorites in the ridiculously overcrowded field.
“If I can get through 100 candidates an hour, 24/7, for the next 10 months, I might be able to have a grasp of the entire field, and issue my endorsement—or I’ll just withhold support and then note one week before the general election, as the Republican candidate heads for certain defeat, that I could have run a much better race and actually, you know, won the damn thing. Ahhh, the bitter taste of sour grapes, low expectations, and a sense of paid-my-dues entitlement,” quipped El Presidente. “I call on all Republicans running to make a commitment to do everything possible to piss off the base, irrevocably destroy the party, ostracize Libertarians and freedom-oriented independents, and empower Democrats for the next century or two with nasty, hyper-partisan, ad hominem attacks in the primary. Let’s circle the wagons once again and, in a show of party unity, fire in—that’s the ticket!”
El Presidente has scheduled a press non-availability at an undisclosed, undetermined location, as security concerns will only permit a few teleprompters, some stage plants (primarily Ficus), and a Gatorade stand. Only pre-screened softball questions submitted by a sycophantic and propagandistic media will be allowed, and generally ignored. Your cooperation isn’t appreciated, or even all that important to us. After all, you’re probably just a wide-eyed blogger with a covert agenda, and jeebus, why do we even bother . . .
For more information contact:
c/o State GOP HQ
**Not actually elected, though you probably didn’t read that far anyway, so what does it matter?
Editing by MIM
Labels: 2010 election, humor, ppc